We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
