I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
