Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
