found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
