3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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