Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
