next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
now i know why i became what i already was.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
