listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize