dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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