I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize