I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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