you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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