I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
