____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
