does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
