Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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