Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Panties = found
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize