sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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