I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
