Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
