I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
