i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
