My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize