...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
