im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
jump out the window naked night went bad
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
