I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
