i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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