I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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