You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
