We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
