Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Just invented taco cereal.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
