I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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