Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
