I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize