Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
