They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
