really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
