found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
