dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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