after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
