I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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