birth control should be required to get into college
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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