i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
