Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
