yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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