Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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