i barfeds in our rink
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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