someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
