I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
home. puking in laundry basket.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
