His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
