I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
