he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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