it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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