Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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