If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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