my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize