Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
