She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
