I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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